Constipation.

I feel I should apologise for the lack of toilet reviews here over so many months now. I was going to blame it on constipation but I think if I’d been constipated for that long I’d probably be dead by now. In truth I’ve been skint – and therefore visiting few establishments with nice toilets, and I’ve been concentrating my bloggering talents on other ventures, namely:

heronsmakeblogs.wordpress.com

and:

falsemodesty.wordpress.com

Although in fact, my mind hasn’t been completely off the toilet subject. Yesterday I published a blog about the Mooncup, which you can read here. I hope to get back to toilet reviews soon, as I have been recommended so many bogs at this point, but don’t hold yer breath, as I’m very absorbed with clothing porn and baking muffins at the moment, and I will probably be poor for some time, being a Popular Music graduate in a recession with appalling telephone skills.

Thanks for stopping by, I do hope you enjoy my new blogging enterprises.

Thank you!

New Blog…

I will from now on be contributing to http://heronsmakeblogs.wordpress.com check it out!

Hobbs Bakery, Nailsworth, Gloucestershire

Ok, the Eurostar will have to wait as I have some better bogs to do first, not that peeing under the channel isnt a thrilling experience, it sort of is, but this toilet is prettier.

CUTE!!

The charming Hobb’s Bakery in Nailsworth is a bleedin’ lovely place to go and have a sarnie or a cake and some tea. It’s beautifully and cosily decorated throughout although if the weather is nice you can sit outside on the river which is almost too lovely for one to deal with. You may feel like scrabbling in a wheelie bin, licking a mud splattered roadsign or something equally dirty simply to counterbalane such heartbreaking loveliness..

Anyway, you might also chill the feck out and just have a nice tea. Then visit the toilet to release some of said tea back into the free world and enjoy some of this:

Can you read the little sign above the tap? It says:

Be kind and gentle with the hot tap,

because it splashes and splashes

your feet and your lap.

Why write a dull informative sign when you can write an equally informative and totally cute poem? and I’m a big fan of their choice of hand wash, Ecover is all like biologically friendly and that and it smells well nice!

So well done Hobbs, your bog is well appreciated by moi! (as are your ploughmans lunches)

Disappointment in Bruxelles

I’ve neglected my blog in recent weeks, and i’m sorry about that. Unfortunately I am also now the bearer of bad news. Almost a year ago I was in Bruxelles, and some friends brought me to a cafe called Novo, just opposite the Jacques Brel museum. We ate a lovely lunch together and I made my customary visit to the toilet, unfortunately sans camera. The toilets were BRILLIANT! they were bright and arty and the highlight was that they had hung a chalkboard on the back of the cubicle doors. Not only providing hours of artistic toilet fun, but also a great distraction for toilet graffiti artists. The cublicles were beautifully clean with no trace of biro limericks or primary school declarations of love, e.g. Sarah luvs Dave 4 eva! ( I always wondered who eva was? and why she was involved in so many threesomes?) and the chalkboards were full of advice, advertisements, proverbs and drawings. What a great idea! When I began my blog I vowed to return to Novo and write a shining review of their ingenious toilet art feature.

But, malheurosement, it was not to be. Novo has become the victim of unartistic tourist-abusing greed. Before I even visited the place, I was informed by friends that the prices had increased and the food quality had decreased, and that it wasn’t worth going to anymore. I decided to proceed with my mission nonetheless, but ruled out my plan of having lunch there, so as to have a deposit ready for my toilet trip. I proceeded with empty bowels and ordered a drink on my way to les toilettes… Mais sacre bleu! no chalkboards! no fun! nothing to photograph but a blank door.

No need to add that I left post haste, without my 3euro glass of sparkling water and without any photos for you. I’m sorry.

Although, if anyone out there is currently decorating a bog in a public place, and would like to use Novo’s novel idea, please do! and then tell me and i’ll come and photograph it and write about it.

As compensation my next review will be about the Eurostar bogs.

Merci!

(and sorry for my bad french, je suis desolee!)

Fair play to those Belgians

Nice work lads, I hope none of you had had a liquid lunch that day…

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/22/20090322/thl-oukoe-uk-belgium-toilet-b2e59e8.html

Svea, Rodney Road, Cheltenham, England

Komm till Svea! Nu!

Svea is an excellent Swedish restaurant in Cheltenham. The food is yummy in that uniquely bland but delicious Swedish way.. Now, that may not sound great to anyone who has never eaten Swedish food, but I promise you, it’s good stuff, and pretty good value, so if you’re in the Cheltenham area, check it out. It’ll be worth it, and if you go around Christmas they’ll have Glogg, a Swedish mulled wine with almonds and raisins in it! mmm, hot booze with crunchy floating bits…

The restaurant is done up in a typically Scandinavian way. Lots of painted wood, cool leafy colours, Carl Larsson prints and Ikea furniture. It’s lovely. This is what the bog door looks like (both sides):

yes!

The reason I’ve chosen to thoroughly depict both sides of the toilet door is because for one, it’s a lovely door, and also I love when there’s a hook on the back! especially a nice yellow one.

As you can see it’s minimal without being sterile, there’s some Swedish art and a cute wooden shelf…

Here’s one of the toilet art pieces close up. It’s a Carl Larsson print entitled ‘Christmas Eve’ from 1904/05. Carl Larsson was a fascinating man and a unique artist. You should read his wiki page if you don’t know anything about him. His family home is a tourist attraction in Sundborn, Sweden as its interior is covered in his paintings. Literally every surface is covered in his art, it’s quite an incredible place.

So, there it is. A pleasant setting for the satisfying experience of a post-meatball toilet trip.

Thank you.

Toilet related fact of the month:

Most toilets flush in E flat.

I read this in one of those Christmas stocking style books of fun facts. By the author’s use of the highly mathematically accurate quantity: ‘most’, i’m guessing this fact didn’t come from an extensive study. It’s fascinating nonetheless.

The River Thames, London, England

No I didn’t pee in the Thames… although that might make a good blog. Hmmm…

A very strange thing happened to me in London recently. I happened to glance into the Thames as I was crossing it on a bridge, can’t remember which bridge, and there, a detached loo seat floated right underneath me!

aaaaand a close up:

is this a sign from god?

where did it come from?

what does it mean?

I visited the London Aquarium a couple of years ago and looked at a display they had of strange objects found in the river Thames, including £300 cash in a money clip! unlucky! I don’t remember seeing a toilet seat, although I suppose it isn’t the strangest thing to see floating down a river. I can’t help wondering where it originated? how far it had traveled? I wish it could have told me its story… maybe this could be the subject of a children’s book.

Anyway, that’s the strange toilet related thing that happened to me this week.

Chester Beatty Library, Dublin Castle, Dublin 2

Sometimes I can get very involved in my lavatorial sleuthing, and will lurk in cubicles for hours at a time as other ladies go about their sometimes fascinating business, waiting for the coast to be clear for risky angle photography and hand-dryer experiments that verge on radical science!

On my visit to the Chester Beatty bogs, I was held up by two separate ladies for a total of about 13 minutes as they both went about very strange rituals at the sinks. The first was a young Spanish woman, who after washing her hands, continued to make numerous invisible adjustments to her hairstyle. It was very odd as she had that kind of very slicked back unmovable ponytail thing going on, held up with the inevitable orange scrunchy (shudder). There was some kind of product keeping the scraped back hair in shiny raked neatness and keeping the loose curls at the back impossibly crisp. She also had those two loose strands at the front that were so inexplicably popular at my secondary school in the late 90s.

So, as I was saying, after washing her hands she started making slight adjustments, tweaking individual curls, pressing down the already rock solid hair on her crown, fingering and twisting the frontal strands framing her neanderthal brow, and without making ant noticeable difference to her appearance she continued doing this for over 5 minutes!

When she finally buggered off I finally made my move to escape the cubicle and take the photo seen above, but was instantly thwarted by a second lady who flushed and made it to the sink seconds before me. I maintained my hiding place as Lady number two washed her hands. Now, this one appeared to be older, and less vain than her predecessor, she was maybe in her 50s, and sensibly dressed for a peaceful morning enjoying Oriental art. After drying her hands, she started to leave. I thought I was safe, but no! She caught her reflection in the mirror, took a second closer glance at her fringe, frowned and ruffled her hair thoughtfully, and then began a long process of pulling out her individual grey hairs over the sink.

SILLY WOMEN! I was stuck in my cubicle for further precious minutes, but finally did get out and took the following pictures and came to the following conclusions:

The Chester Beatty Toilets are lovely, they have a very simple deep red and white colour scheme, keeping it classic without being too plain or clinical.

A generous variety of mirrors, although far too tempting for the hair-vain lady unfortunately. But what is this! a freakishly circular stain on a ceiling tile! (by the way, I despise ceiling tiles, minus a million points Mr Beatty) but what could have made that stain? my mind is swimming with theories. An impressively aimed urination? a hair-gel explosion? maybe someone dropped a Goodfellas pizza on to the top of the tile and the grease seeped through? I’d love to hear your suggestions, why not send me some!

So that’s the Chester Beatty Library bogs. Well worth a visit, and why not stay for a gander round the arty historial stuff too? You might even learn something to distract you from your own hair…

Thank you.

The Bernard Shaw, South Richmond St. Portobello, Dublin 2

This attractive yet distracted Lady is welcoming you to the Bernard Shaw bogs. Come on in…

And here inside is her lively alter-ego, ready to observe you in quiet excitement as you go about your toilet business.

I love the dubious cocktail of artistic bathroom styles going on in the Bernard Shaw Ladies. You have the old school dark wood and stained glass, massive professional graffiti, twee flowery tiles and shitloads of amateur biro graffiti all over the top of it!

Rubber/sanitary protection machine, very handy, and clearly stealable giant toilet rolls! Though I wouldn’t steal from the Bernard Shaw as I like the place and it isn’t a rip off, I only use my five finger discount in very disappointing and/or ludicrously overpriced places.

Above is some proof of the rich variety of custom the Bernard Shaw receives. A Proust quote alongside ‘Spice Love’, the filthy ‘Would you like to come inside me??’, ‘Go Wild’ (why not?) and the enterprising ‘Aidy Lady’ who has left her (or his..) tag on every cubicle!

So, I conclude that the Bernard Shaw bogs are well worth a visit, in fact the whole place is well worth visiting. A lovely setting for a quiet early evening pint, or 10 loud pints and a bit of a dance if you like, and when you go to break the seal you can read a wealth of drunken ramblings on your cubicle door.

Enjoy!